No reason to stay

His passivity about his abusive behaviors, and his self-pity are driving me crazy.  Really.  Like I want to shout to the world just everything.  Every gritty, ugly, and humiliating detail.  Let the chips fall and the cookies crumble.  And I said as much to him.

Last night I told him that I didn’t think I could take much more of this pain, and that I just want to find a way to stop it. I told him that one option could be my moving out, but that I’d be taking our daughters with me wherever I went. (Seriously?  I have no idea of how I’d do this, but I felt like a trapped animal ready to chew off a leg to escape a trap.)

This means he’d be living here with sons.
One is battling some kind of illness since being deployed.
One is in a slow recovery from a bad accident and head injury.
One graduated from high school last year and just found his first decent job (albeit low paying).
One other son is an actor/musician, in rehearsals for a scholarship paid choral junket abroad.  He’s also bonded closely to the brother who has the TBI.
Three of them work for their father.  All are vulnerable in some way, and deserve stability and the ability to plan for change.

When I said, “I don’t know what to do.  I can’t keep hurting like this.”
He just gave me a sad-woe-is-me face.

When I said, “I could move out, but I’m taking the girls with me if I do,” he replied,
“If you do that, I’ll just go.  I’d have no reason to stay.”

I said, “No reason?  What are you saying?  Do you mean that?  Please think before you answer.”

He looked irritated, wary, and resentful and started and stopped in his reply, “No… yes…I hate it when you do this!  Yes I’d leave. Why would I stay?  You’re the only reason I’d stay here.  Otherwise it just doesn’t make sense.  This place would be too much to keep up financially and I wouldn’t have any reason to be here.”

I didn’t ask him … what about our sons?

Something deep inside of me cringes, backs away, turns away, like seeing something that would be unbearable, so I can’t look at it.  He must care.  He must just be stupidly angry, foolishly petty.

I just said, “Okay, if that’s how you feel, then we can start to discuss what it would take to sell this place.”

As far as I was concerned, there wasn’t much left to say at that point.  I actually felt some relief mixed into the pain.  A possible dreadful sensible solution.  Sell the home that I’ve wanted to stay and grow old in.  This place that I love, that nourishes my soul every time I look out a window, or step outside and soak in the beauty of its setting. Sell the home that my baby was born in, but process that it may be the only sane solution in the days to come.

I started to feel strangely relieved in the pain that there could be any solution, and began to get sleepy.  I could feel and hear him stirring in an agitated way near me.  He said, “Would it make any difference to you at all if I said I was sorry?”

I replied, “Would it mean you’d stop hurting me?”

Then I did fall asleep, but silently wishing so hard that he would miraculously really care.

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7 Responses to No reason to stay

  1. newshoes123 says:

    yikes… I hate conversations like those. They just want to destabilize you so that you change your mind because it’s complicated or because they want to hurt you so they will make it sound like it’s nothing off their backs. My expah told our son last year that he wouldn’t have a father on his birthday, that he was leaving me and leaving him, took off in a huff and drove like a madman in our little neck of the woods….Needless to say my son was upset and the expah started to go into damage control about an hour after he came back from his little pa trip. We didn’t last that much longer after wards, something in me snapped, the last straw came right after Mother’s day when he blamed me for something that I had absolutely no control over… That was it for me. It’s almost a year now, I’m in a much better place mentally, the house sold, the boys are getting used to being shared by the two of us, sometimes they stay with me longer because they can’t stand the stress at their dad’s. I miss them when they are not with me but the week goes by quick (having a new house to take care of will do that for me and the new freinds I was able to make and not feel guilty for having them 🙂 ). It’s been quite a year actually. Looking back, I should have left years ago and not have feared that I couldn’t do it because I certainly have.
    I loved my house too, worked really hard at making it ours and raising a family in but you can make yourself at home somewhere else, the girls deserved that and the boys will see you happy and perhaps they will find the courage to do what you did, if there’s one certainty in life is change even when we fear it, it comes anyways. Good luck dear, you really don’t have to live like this. You deserve love and respect even if it just comes from yourself.

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  2. newshoes123 says:

    by the way, their claim to love you and care for you is a crock, they only do things to serve their purpose, and yes they do believe that they love you but is love suppose to be about hurting the ones you love? No it’s not. Love is absolutely unconditional, meaning there are no conditions, expectations or limits. In the case of pa people, their love is totally conditional, based on what you can and will do for them, what you are worth at the time, they will “fall” for you if you give them what they want – ie. if they are looking for a caregiver (and a lot of us abused from pa people are) or if they are looking for a challenge (someone to tear down below them may excite them)… it’s always about control and conditions. Always.

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  3. lonelywife07 says:

    Why should you and the girls leave, PJ? Ask him to leave! That’s what I did! I told PA Man if we have to separate, it’s not fair for our boys to suffer and have to leave their home because their dad had an affair and won’t get the help he needs!
    And yes, I understand what you are thinking when your husband said he’ll just leave then…When I told PA Man that I think we should separate, he said “Fine. I’ll get an apt. near my office!” I just looked at him…his office is 45 mins away!
    I then said, “So what about our boys…when would you see them? Would you drive over here during the week to see them….or just see them on the weekend??”
    He looked at me, rather dumbfounded, and said “Oh yeah, I guess that wouldn’t work then…”

    He never even thought about his sons….just what would be easier for HIM! Crazy!!
    Of course…my boys could care less if they see their dad or not…he was gone for two weeks on a business trip recently and they never once asked where he was or when he was coming back…so what does that tell ya??

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