I want it to be Friday

Five times that I’ve gone to equine therapy, and now each week seems to stretch out a little longer between sessions.  Getting in touch with feeling splashes of sanity and happiness have also seemed to intensify feeling the impact of his crazymaking, and the result is I also feel more angry.  And a little more afraid…

Can I do this?  I’m not even sure what ‘this’ is as I write it out.  Will all this make a difference?  Will I really get stronger and and clearer, or will something implode (as it has in past efforts over the years) and I’ll find myself in a forever kind of twilight zone of being stuck and just fade away until I’m gone.

I love him and I hate him.  His recent bad behaviors aren’t anything new; in fact, it’s the same kind of loneliness that caused me to cry myself to sleep as a newlywed.  Withdrawing and being aloof, pulling me close, pushing me away, justifying it and blaming me, withholding intimacy and lying about it, then in the end he feels sorry for himself.  This mix includes him working, helping with the pets, meals, and errands, and I appreciate that.  I do appreciate it, and I tell him so and thank him.  The problem with the good stuff is that it seems to be used as fodder for his resentment.

The change is that I feel my anger escalating to the point that I imagine picking things up and smashing and breaking them.  It feels like I want the inner pain to have an outward expression.  The pain feels almost unbearable, but I don’t want to do something stupid (again).

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35 Responses to I want it to be Friday

  1. Masqued says:

    It’s a survival mechanism, shutting down your feelings. I know, because I did it too. I still do, to some extent. It’s scary to feel the emotions, but maybe that is something you can talk to someone about in therapy? Maybe there is a different, healthy way you can channel that anger.

    Like

  2. kelly says:

    I am feeling your pain. I truly am. It is heart breaking… I understand the pain you are in. I am there now. I am working on taking life ONE day at a time. Today I am going to focus on my spirituality, and plan on taking my young daughter to see my mother (her grandmother). It is about a 2 hour drive, but I need a break away from my passive aggressive husband. He is literally in denial about anything and everything. He REALLY believes he is the victim. I use to think he was pretending to be the victim to deflect confrontation. Now I am wondering…. He really thinks he is the victim of my anger. Although I never had an “anger” issue before meeting him. Sure, I got angry, but it was healthy anger. He has made me feel confused. Always thought I was a rational person, now I question everything. This marriage has taken pieces of my soul, bit by bit…

    Like

    • paescapee says:

      sorry, just seen your post! I always had ‘anger’ problems which I tried to ‘cure’. But I discovered my instincts were true, that my anger was a valid organic response to someone treating me badly. PA men love to generate anger so that they can be the victim. My anger dramatically fell away the minute I left the situation, just leaving a residue because of the ‘unfairness’ of the situation, which is mine to work on. Good luck.

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  3. lonelywife07 says:

    PJ…where are you? It’s not like you to let so much time go by with no new posts…Hope you’re doing ok.

    Like

  4. paescapee says:

    Also went on, as lonelywife07 has, to ask how you are?

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  5. wornout says:

    I’m worried, too.:( I hope everthing is ok, PJs.

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  6. DaMama7 says:

    Me too 😟

    Like

  7. lonelywife07 says:

    Ok ladies, we have to have some way to check on each other, other than this blog.
    Exodus disappeared months ago….I’m worried over her also!
    Paescapee if I write on your blog,will you be able to see my email address and contact me?

    Like

    • wornout says:

      I am all for figuring out a way for really being able to contact each other. Pjs not posting has me really worried .How could we do it? I wish there was some way we could all go to a secure private spot and exchange info.

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      • lonelywife07 says:

        Wornout….Click on my name, it will take you to my blog..that I rarely post on, LOL….I have to get better at doing that 🙂 Just leave a comment and I’ll see if your email address pops up in the admin section, where only I can see it…if it does I’ll email you and we can go from there!!

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  8. DaMama7 says:

    I agree with you ladies. 😟

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    • lonelywife07 says:

      DaMama7 If you leave a comment on my blog, I can see your email address and can email you, so we can all stay in touch! Just click on my name, it will take you to my blog! 🙂

      Like

      • wornout says:

        DaMama, I was able to connect up with Lonely by doing that! It’s so awesome that now we have a way for those of us that want to stay in touch and know each other, other than just through the blog. And I’m hoping we can find a way to see if PJ is okay.

        Like

  9. DaMama7 says:

    😟😔😩

    Like

  10. lonelywife07 says:

    PJ….it’s been 3 months now since your last post…This makes me so sad, because I know you wouldn’t leave this blog, you wouldn’t leave US, unless it was something out of your control.
    I pray for you…and will continue to do so…

    Like

  11. DaMama7 says:

    It is Friday again. I hope you are well. I hope everyone you have blessed with this blog will hear from you again.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Unless you leave, you will indeed be trapped there forever. Abuse only gets worse over time, it never gets better even if we figure out ways to handle it. I have been out 18 months now. It took me 25 years but little by little I see the world that I forgot existed. The happy, abuse free world. Keep striving to help yourself! You’re in there and you can do it.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Seeing the Light says:

    PJs (and Exodus), where did you go? Are either of you still out there anywhere? I long to hear from you.

    Like

  14. Abi Tiki says:

    I don’t know if you are still checking in with this blog, but I bless you for leaving it up.
    Your posts have helped me more than I can say.
    I left 3 months ago, and slowly beginning to see more and more of what was actually happening now that I have space to just…rest my focus and attention.
    What you have shared here has been of incalculable value for helping me to see, really see, what had actually been going on.

    I am forever grateful, and wish all the best for you.
    Hoping that you are okay, and more than okay.

    Grateful too for all the commenters.

    I am touched and forever changed by your courage and your honesty.

    Liked by 1 person

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