Five times that I’ve gone to equine therapy, and now each week seems to stretch out a little longer between sessions. Getting in touch with feeling splashes of sanity and happiness have also seemed to intensify feeling the impact of his crazymaking, and the result is I also feel more angry. And a little more afraid…
Can I do this? I’m not even sure what ‘this’ is as I write it out. Will all this make a difference? Will I really get stronger and and clearer, or will something implode (as it has in past efforts over the years) and I’ll find myself in a forever kind of twilight zone of being stuck and just fade away until I’m gone.
I love him and I hate him. His recent bad behaviors aren’t anything new; in fact, it’s the same kind of loneliness that caused me to cry myself to sleep as a newlywed. Withdrawing and being aloof, pulling me close, pushing me away, justifying it and blaming me, withholding intimacy and lying about it, then in the end he feels sorry for himself. This mix includes him working, helping with the pets, meals, and errands, and I appreciate that. I do appreciate it, and I tell him so and thank him. The problem with the good stuff is that it seems to be used as fodder for his resentment.
The change is that I feel my anger escalating to the point that I imagine picking things up and smashing and breaking them. It feels like I want the inner pain to have an outward expression. The pain feels almost unbearable, but I don’t want to do something stupid (again).