Everything you never wanted to know about what happens if you stay married to a passive aggressive man will probably be in this blog. Over three decades in a painful marriage and counting, and still searching for sanity, recovery, hope, and life beyond.
Things about me that I find relevant:
I’m a very basic, Mere Christianity (C.S. Lewis) kind of believer.
I love my kids and my fur kids.
I love books. I love the feel and smell of books. I love wandering through bookstores and libraries. My bookshelves are full when my closet is sparse.
I love most music, and I especially love music that makes my feet start moving, the kind you dance to while doing dishes or cleaning.
I’m an introvert. Not shy, but very introverted. This blog will likely be a constant battle between my need for privacy, and my desire for Truth. Truth matters.
My happy place is being barefoot with sun, sand, and water to swim in. I’m also pretty happy when I have something interesting to research, and the internet is like a library at the touch of the keyboard.
Several years ago, I sat quietly crying in a kind of fog of despair and stared at my computer monitor. I started to type words like pain, sad, lonely, depressed etc. into a search engine, and up popped the link to a verbal abuse site. I didn’t think it was the right fit (the verbal tag threw me off), but I clicked anyway, and the first window to understanding abuse cracked open and let a small shiver of light into my world.
I’d love to say that I had a life changing epiphany, but it’s been a long, slow crawl towards understanding and change. Here I am, still crawling, but more determined than ever.
If you found this blog because you’re searching for your own understanding about passive aggressive abuse, welcome. If you leave comments, I’ll do my best to respond, and there are many posters with invaluable perspective and stories to share. I hope you’ll be one of them!
Please remember that when we share our experiences or personal advice, that this should be a judgment free zone. Support, validation, sympathy, empathy, comfort, caring, encouragement and ideas are all priceless here. We have commonalities (passive aggressive abuse), yet our journeys and choices are uniquely individual. Here is a place we can help to build each other up faster than we’re being torn down.
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my life in pajamas 
Hi my LIP….I’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks now….and I understand what you’re saying. Finding out I was married to a PA was shocking! I’m glad I’ve found your blog and Passive Aggressive Abuse blog…It really helps to know I’m not alone! 🙂
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Hi lonelywife07, thanks for sharing in the blog! Although it’s sad to know others experience similar things, it does help me so much to know that there are patterns we can share to help understand that it’s real, and we definitely aren’t alone.
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I nominated you for the Sisterhood of the World Blogger award! If you want to accept, please check out the rules here: http://createtohealpain.wordpress.com/2014/09/19/sisterhood-of-the-world-bloggers-award/ No pressure, but love your blog and wanted to pass on the love! Happy blogging!
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Oh wow! Thank you! I can’t click the link until later, but I’m so honored that you did that!
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No problem take your time. 🙂 you deserve it.
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Hi LIP. I found you by googling codependency. I am appreciating your writing – you are very encouraging. I struggle daily with doubt about my opinions and beliefs as I continue to overcome codependency in my life, faith, and marriage. Thank you for your courage!
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Hi Traci! Thanks so much for your encouraging words. I began the blog as a kind of catharsis and mode for self-accountability, but was soon inspired by the readers here.
One very insidious thing about passive aggressive dynamics is how they can cause so much confusion and doubt.
Sometimes the readers here share stories so similar that it can’t be just a coincidence. Knowing that it’s not just me helps me to feel a bit saner.
I really appreciate that you took the time to leave a comment. Feedback and interaction are so helpful to me.
Since I haven’t yet gotten to putting up a Resources section, I’d like to share two of my favorite and trusted sites: http://www.our-place-online. net and also http://www.cryingoutforjustice.com
Welcome to our little corner of the internet!
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Thanks so much for the resources! I will visit them today. I’m with you on the purpose of blogging. I am a very new blogger and I also see it as part of my recovery. I write what I know in the moment to be true so that I can look back when I am vacillating. But, I also look back and see anger and tension. Not a bad thing – just revealing. I am looking forward to meeting more people in the blogosphere who are working through the same things I am.
I hope you have a great day!
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PS: I’m also still trying to figure out this comment thing. What I want is for my blog name and site to be the commenter so that people know I am a fellow blogger. I’ll try it again and thanks for being my guinea pig, LIP! (Hmmm, I don’t like the word, “pig.” How about bunny? 😉 )
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I think it is an answer to prayer that I found your blog tonight. Thank you for so freely sharing your struggles.
I will be married 20 years in April to a man who vascilates unpredictably between adoring and ignoring me and has a gift of convincing me that I don’t know how good I have it and that I am the one who treats him poorly.
I thought I was going crazy because how can I feel so alone and unloved while in a relationship with a man who spends hours each day reading the Bible and says frequently that our relationship is the most important thing in the world to be.
Ironically, I was home sick from work today – more from depression than from the upper respiratory infection I claimed as my excuse. So I am my pajamas at the end of my rope because the despair about my relationship is now paralysing me and impacting my ability to function at work. This is most alarming to be because 1)I am the main breadwinner 2) we have no children (thankfully) so I consider my job my calling and my legacy.
So, in the midst being a mess in pajamas, I “stumble upon” your blog and just realizing that I am not alone in my struggles has given me desperately needed hope.
Thank you!
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ramblingsbytracy, thank you so much for sharing and your encouraging words. I certainly didn’t get to the pajamas overnight, and I’m hoping that by sharing, some other women may avoid my more painful lessons altogether. Welcome to the blog, and I look forward to hearing more from you!
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I am in the process of leaving my emotionally abusive marriage after 11 years. I’ve been reading some great books by Pia Mellody that you might find interesting as well: “Facing Codependence” and “Facing Love Addition” — That title sounds weird, but it is actually a really good book. I hope you can continue your process of “seeing” in your marriage. Best wishes for you.
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Thanks, Kris! I have another book by that author, but will check the library for the one you recommend. I hope the best for a smooth transition to a new life for you!
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One of the coolest things about your about page is the way you name and describe the things you love, the things that make you special and give you pleasure. I’m happy you can enjoy these things. Thank you for having the courage to write about your experiences here. And thank you for following, “Loving Me Too.” Best wishes on your journey!
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JoAnne, thanks so much for sharing with all of us here! Your story (and especially your spirit in telling i)t was quite lovely to read today.
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I’ve been out of my emotionally abusive marriage for about two years. I found you a few days ago, and thank you. I’ve been struggling again with feeling the need to validate that I went through what I went through. That it wasn’t simply that he and I were incompatible or that I saw it wrong and reacted wrong… So much you’ve written rings true to my experience.
And, I mean this kindly, seeing something of your progression, I’m so glad I was able to make the choice to leave. I can imagine looking at that existence stretch out indefinitely, and even if I were somehow able to act in ways that were true to myself, that is a miserable, awful place to be. I wish you well on your journey. You deserve to be loved and respected and cherished.
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atthelaureltree, thank you so much for sharing what you did. This blog is for my accountability, my sanity, and my therapy, but it’s also for others. One of the worst things about any kind of abuse can be the terrible feeling of being alone. It’s not often that a woman finds a way to an abuse free life, and remains as a voice in the community of those still struggling with it. Your message is kind, truthful, and hopeful. I hope you’ll keep visiting, but most of all, I hope you’ll share more of your story and journey.
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Thank you for the reply! My saving grace has been writing, as well. I found my writing voice again as soon as I planned to leave him. My poems have helped me work through the aftermath, through my childhood issues, and all the many accompanying emotions. Distilling these moments when the trauma resurfaces, putting images and words to them, it makes them manageable again.
I’ve written little specifically about my ex–to a degree because I categorize poems about specific people and cannot yet deign to give him a heading, if that makes sense. But he seeps in, as they will. I guess I should one day thank him for the writing fodder.. 😉
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Do you still get these messages? I need someone to talk to. You sound just like me and your husband sounds just like mine. I’m getting sicker and sicker by the week. I need to know how you are doing now and if anything has changed. I don’t know where to turn. No one understands.
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PJ, where’d you go? Hope you’re doing ok, and the kids are all well. I miss you!
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I was just thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing…. hope all is well!
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You’re an amazing soul and so brave. In your sex with a PA husband, you described every second of my sad life. My husband is 10 times worse as he has no problem us not having sex for years but I recently found out that he masturbates. I was shocked bc he would tell me he just doesn’t have the desire to initiate sex. He would say I’m waiting for it to come. And stupid me would wait n wait for it to come and it never would. With 2 kids under 5, I’m stuck. What should I do?
Thank you so so much for sharing your life. God bless you!
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